LISTEN: PIONEERS OF OURSELVES

"The less I seek my source from some definitive, the closer I am to FINE" -Indigo Girls

We have to wake up our creative process. We have to force it to break free; because, all we have is our constant practice of trying out being alive and being here on this planet.

I have been so absorbed with how I am going to make all of these things happen that I have lost my nerve. (again.) My ability to step into the brave thing and stretch my limits and stretch my back so that I can be present for the return of the mack. My own mack on returning my own confidence. The confidence to do the ugly thing: create something!

I love that it is always possible to connect back in. Even if from someone else's perspective you were always connected, they do not see the inner turmoil of the artist that pops up because we don't always know how or where to find the energy to keep going.

I took one of many giant leaps into the unknown a long time ago when I leapt out of the teaching profession because it did not suit my soul. And I have been wandering around this grand net of uncertainty in this way for over ten years making my art and selling my art. And I have grown through so many surrenders that I have lost track.

I used to go to Zine Fests to sell my zines and type poetry on my typewriter all of the time. I even rented a car to drive to Santa Fe, New Mexico to sell at their zine fest. And after each one, I would go through what my burlesque dancing friend calls a "GLITTER CRASH.” Once the hubbub of doing the brave thing dies down, we experience a crash. This crash comes from all of the built up energy inside of ourselves, all of that invisible creative energy (invisible labor) that is necessary to make something creative and magical happen.

And how it translates to the brain is: "Let's never do that again. That was terrible or not good enough. We didn't make enough money to barely pay for gas, let alone all of our time spent wondering and creating. That was too much."

It took a childhood bestie to point out this pattern to me, she said, "Don't you say that after every zine fest?" Same with the very real fear and anxiety that comes up as we go into each and every creative endeavor that we commit to showing up to. It is natural to feel this nervous when you are engaging with something that feels so vulnerable and personal to your soul. She said, "Isn't scared the same as excited?"

I gushed, "It's the other side of the coin!"

All of this is to explain how normal it is to feel all of this energy moving through you when you are personally engaged in creating something from your own soul while being in commitment energy with your passion. It is not glaringly obvious that you are on the right path. Oftentimes it is more subtle; and, because you grow through such intense feelings around it is what makes you brave to keep doing the work, and it is also why you feel so tired and burnt out on a regular basis.

Sometimes you give up for several days/weeks/months/years thinking it's just DOIN TOO MUCH. And then some message comes through; a person recognizes you as an artist or messages you about how much your work changed them. And you feel this exasperating feeling of being struck by lightning when you thought you were dead! DONE! FINITO! It can feel similar to the feeling of needing to do chores when you really don't want to. They say art shouldn't feel like a chore; but, when you are bringing your mojo back online after a tantrum period that is very normal for all adults to go through, it can take a lot of energy to call your spirit back to keep creating and showing up to this work. The work being: Soul revealing, transmutation of the demons, pulling your ragged bones to the page after feeding your family, nursing your baby, working your 9-5 job, etc. Art feels like more work on top of work because it is! But you do it or have done it because the effect of doing it is soul-gratifying, heart-mending, and power-inducing.

You do it because it matters to you and precious little brings out this level of gratification from within your being. It is one of the few parts of life that is actually just for you! And the fact that it is ridiculous and has little purpose from a pragmatic perspective is why it can be so easy to try to give it up. "Let go of your fanciful dreams and submit to the crushing weight of crapitalism!" your mind tells you; however, the interconnected and subversive web of freedom seeking spirits reminds you of the radical and necessary acts of defiance and self-expression - and you realize how important it is to keep going.

You are being seen by the Secret Society of Authenticity so that means on some level you know your worth. You must now reconnect with your alter ego: that overly confident 7-year-old kid inside of you who is dying for you to get back to the page and tell your story.